Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
