Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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