he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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