areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
this will be a night to untag.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
