fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
