If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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