just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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