Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
