She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
