do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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