So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
