I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
