my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
