I accidentally had phone sex last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
