In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
