Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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