His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
