I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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