Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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