toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
