i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
