she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
