True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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