i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
