So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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