Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
