Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
