I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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