Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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