so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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