so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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