New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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