If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
