Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
