Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
