I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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