She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
