Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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