i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
