Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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