My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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