we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
