I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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