she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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