3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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