Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
