nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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