I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He passed out mid-signature
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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