it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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