I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
