A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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